I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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