Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
