Your face is a jimmy john
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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