So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
