I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
