I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
