I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
