haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
