"it" just moved
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
