She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
