The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
