I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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