My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
