dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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