is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The adults are the big ones right?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
