I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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