I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
