Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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