There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
