So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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