did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so explain again why im purple
no
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Dicks are not precious.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
