You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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