There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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