come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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