I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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