I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
