I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
