my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
