She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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