I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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