Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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