I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
