I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
