I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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