Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
