Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
