You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm really busy with my period
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
