You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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