she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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