I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
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