I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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