I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
