Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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