It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
