aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
