I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
