I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
