I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
