so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
