What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
All I want is dick and wine.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
