please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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