Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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