On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
