dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
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His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
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You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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